God of War III: Slaughtering the entirety of the Greek Pantheon one unfortunate deity at a time

When you're in the mood for visceral, unadulterated carnage, few game series do it better than God of War. And I am, more often than not, in the mood for visceral, unadulterated carnage.

Where else can you gouge out Poseidon's eyes with your thumbs? Butcher innocent bystanders for extra health? Snap Hermes' legs off to steal his shoes? Or beat the sun god Helios to a bloody pulp, rip off his head with your bare hands, and then USE HIS SEVERED HEAD AS A FUCKING FLASHLIGHT. This is the kind of game that forces you to kick puppies to continue the storyline. Don't tell me that isn't therapeutic.

Alas, poor Yorick

The plot of the series, such as it is, revolves around Kratos, a general in the Greek army who is well-renowned for being the very best at beating the shit out of everything. After he pledges his servitude to Ares to keep from being killed at the hands of some roving barbarian, he accidentally kills his wife and child in one of his many murdering rampages. Instead of dealing with this traumatic event by resolving to become a better person and abandoning his life of violence, Kratos immediately sets out to slaughter everyone and everything that gets in his way from that point onward. This includes and is not limited to: minotaurs, gorgons, centaurs, chimeras, satyrs, harpies, sirens, Titans, and most of the notable Greek gods and heroes. After finally killing Ares and becoming the God of War, he decides that the other gods are being mean to him, and rather than leave well enough alone, he goes on a god-killing spree which will only end when Zeus is pushing up the Greek equivalent of daisies.

I felt that the ending of the series was a bit disappointing, but I guess there really isn't anywhere else to go once you've killed off almost everyone on Earth and made the world completely uninhabitable through the power of hatred and wanton destruction. At least Kratos gives out one last "fuck you" to Athena before he bites the dust.

I do wonder what happened to Aphrodite, though, since she's the only deity Kratos runs into that he doesn't kill outright. Granted, after what Kratos does to the world, it's not like there's really anyone left for her to bone, but still.

summer daze

Yes, this is supposed to be a blog about video games. But alas, my penchant for procrastination has gotten the better of me. In my defense, my summer job is taking up the vast majority of my time. What is that job, you might ask? Working retail? Filing papers? Feeding the homeless?

None of the above. Instead, I'm spending this summer swabbing monkey vaginas. Every day I dress in full PPE (personal protective equipment), complete with face mask, hairnet, face shield, gown, shoe covers, and two pairs of gloves. Just in case that isn't hot enough when the weather is in the mid-nineties, the monkey houses are kept at a balmy 80 degrees with 70 percent humidity. And then I stare at monkey vaginas for hours. There really aren't words to describe how incredibly strange this job is. And to top it all off, macaques carry a strain of the herpes virus that is 80% fatal in humans, so I also get to worry about dying a lot. So forgive me if I have other things to think about besides bashing the newest installment of Final Fantasy.

Filthy, filthy herpes monkey.

And so it begins.

So I've decided to try out something new, see if the blogosphere is ready for me. Posts will probably consist of musings on video games (and maybe occasionally even life). So here goes...something, anyway.